8.

Skeletons

She made a lot of sense the other day. Although she’s my sister and so her loyalty is tied to me and not him, I believe she would tell me if I was in the wrong. But her reaction echoed my frustrations. Well his priorities and loyalties should lie with me, I’m carrying his baby. And I’m the one he loves. It’s sad when a relationship ends. I know it well enough myself. But once you make that decision to move on, you can’t go back. I don’t regret any of my life decisions so far. I accept that each and every part of my past has changed and formed the way I am now, but I don’t believe in dwelling in it. I love him. And had one of my own skeletons come up from my past to question my present, I wouldn’t of entertained it. However, I have a feeling that such a situation would never arise, there isn’t any reason for it and I think most of us understand the boundaries.

Perhaps you could say it’s more a reflection of myself, that pregnancy vulnerability (if that is such a thing) has taken over and is slowly wearing away my confidence and trust. Of course you are vulnerable when you’re pregnant though. As much as people may say otherwise, I can’t imagine anyone wants to do this alone. And let’s be honest, I’m currently not the most attractive fish in the sea, even with the bigger breasts. I really believe that this is the biggest change any relationship can go through, and perhaps the most difficult. I don’t know if it makes a difference once you are happily married and impatiently awaiting the arrival of your planned kin. But I doubt even that can prepare you for such a test. My aunties words echo through my head…there will be some days when you just want to strangle him.

Truth is that I am not ready to say goodbye completely to a carefree, fun relationship. And by the looks of it, neither is he. I want to stay in love. And I do hope that that is not impossible amidst a sea of sick and nappies. As I’m sat on a train, I hear a couple discussing their children. Usual things like school, behaviour and dinner. But all the while, I noticed neither of them had anything else to talk about. And I wanted to ask..don’t you still matter? Or is that it now.

I’m never going to let myself go to motherhood completely, I’m my own person not just a mother. I’ll never be one to adorn a polo necked woolly jumper and tracksuits in the school grounds. And I’m making a pact now to always do my makeup…even if I have to fasten my baby to my chest in order to do so. I will also shower at least once a day…and wash my hair every other. I always loved to watch my mother getting ready. And I always admired her beauty. She owned hoards of makeup, clothes and hair products, which I loved to borrow. Everything I know today about contour lines and eyebrows I learned from her. She was the worst influence shopping, and spent far too much on possessions..which in turn taught me not to. Again I’m talking superficially. But all of these things make me feel myself. And if I manage to retain myself throughout the years, give myself the attention I deserve, then I can also give that to my relationship.