Nesting

Never too early to learn to read. She’s a lot more alert now, she pulls the funniest of faces as she focuses on us.

Probably not the recommended way to sleep but she seems happy enough.

Today was the first day we left Belle with Arifs mum and went out for a few hours. It was nice to put on a nice dress and do my hair…it was also nice to spend some time just the two of us. I felt very drunk after the first large glass of red..

With the helping hand of a dummy, I managed to put her down and actually make some dinner for myself this evening. You don’t realise how much you set aside your own needs for your child. I’ve sacrificed many meals, the problem is letting your own health slide which admittedly I have. I did want to lose the baby weight of course, although not in this way.

Another night in alone with the baby, I can’t help but think about how different my life was this time last year and had someone showed me this photograph, I would have been shocked to say the least. This year has been unpredictable, and a blessing because I adore my daughter…even if she refuses to settle for most of the evening.

Here’s how I managed to quickly make and eat some porridge whilst simultaneously changing into my pyjamas and taking my makeup off…you have to make use of the quiet moments. I absolutely adore her, but it can be lonely sat in on a Saturday night.

3 weeks old today and so time for her first bath…went a lot better than expected and now she smells so clean!

The Birth

As I had always thought, after weeks of agonising angst the 5th November finally arrived. It was the day my mum would have been 50 years old and as if by some miracle gift I went into labour. It was slow to start; I woke up full of nerves and excitement only to replace them with angry frustration as the day went on. However just as I had resigned to the fact it wouldn’t happen that day, after a long walk I settled in front of Homeland and boy did they begin. Previously I had wanted to shoot down the countless number who had told me I would know when labour had begun as I complained of strong Braxton hicks. Now I stand corrected, there is a very distinct difference to say the least. I won’t recount the full goriness of the next 21 (long) hours. But I will say that I was lucky enough to have a relatively straightforward birth, I was able to wrinkle in the birthing pool for a good 10 hours and had my little daughter been turned the right way I would have given birth in the water too. I originally turned down the gas and air, stating that I wanted to wait until the pain was unbearable so that I wouldn’t need any other pain medication, only to weld it to my hand hours later. I stand by that it is the best thing since sliced bread, even if you just use the teat to chew on. I was thoroughly amazed that in the end my body was able to do it, that instinct took over and I actually gave birth to an 8lb baby naturally. I think that last part of birth that everyone fears is actually the best part, contractions make you crumble and fold in pain but pushing makes you feel useful and even powerful. And of course the end result is a tiny purple human thrust, screaming onto your chest. The whole experience is beyond exhausting and overwhelming, I couldn’t quite possibly describe the emotions you feel at that point. Its an overbearing concoction of relief, amazement, exhaustion, disbelief, fear and love. And I lay in this drug-like emotional state for an hour at least, staring intently at the little stranger on my chest, my partner and I trying to decide whose features she had and what colour her eyes and hair are. Its a magical story which should end right there, but in fact that is just the very beginning. Once all is done and dusted after over 30 hours of no sleep or food you are ready for the longest nap of your life. The reality is that your new addition has very different ideas and you are about to embark on the most exhausting journey of your life: parenthood.

Today i’m sat in the library alone, a mother without her baby. I feel incredible guilt,  firstly for leaving her for 8 hours as i will today and secondly because I want to sigh in relief for some respite, a chance to focus on my art and research without the piercing cries of my baby which my body is so attuned to that they hit me deep in my core and i think of nothing else.

This is the reason I haven’t been able to shower yet today, I’ve considered putting her in the car seat and taking her into the bathroom with me. Her little smile makes it all worth it…even if it is just wind.