I look at this photograph on my mantelpiece everyday. It’s of me, just a bit older than my daughter, holding onto my mothers leg because I didn’t want her to go to work. Now I look at those big blue eyes and all I see is my daughter. It makes me sad to look at this photograph, because I know what the future holds for this beautiful relationship. But i’m not sad for the child. Because although life is hard without her mother and not a single day passes by when she doesn’t wish she was here, It’s her mother that’s missed it all. I’m sad when I look at this photograph because only now do I realise how much she loved me. I’m sad because, I can’t imagine not being able to watch Belle grow, missing her graduate, meeting her soul mate, having her own child. All the things and many more that my mother wasn’t here to see. So this mother’s day i’m not sad for myself. For the first time in 4 years I haven’t tortured myself with painful memories of loss, and jealousy for others indulging in their mothers. But i’m sad for her that she wasn’t there to watch me play with my daughter, see me be a mother and witness our incredible bond. And, I’m sad that she will never hear the word Grandma.
But i’ll show her this photograph on my mantelpiece. And I’ll tell her all I know. I’ll tell her how she was a gift from her. A way of saying, I’m sorry I left you.
Nesting 