I was having a chat with some artist friends recently and I felt propelled to share my recent demotivation to make art. Whilst I still have the desire to write, my daughter has become the complete focal point of my life and so I’ve become disinterested to make work surrounding the maternal body. This is because, my plans involved photographing myself alongside my daughter. And when I look at her beautiful chubby cheeks and big round eyes gazing up at me, I can’t bring myself to subject her in ways I do myself. I don’t want to exploit my daughter in the name of art. I was adamant I wouldn’t let motherhood completely overshadow everything else in my life. In hindsight that was stupid, because whose child doesn’t become their whole world. And to be honest, It’s great. I created her! And nothing else I ever make will be as wonderful. So I want to spend most of my time watching her grow; its amazing to hear her first giggle (as I did today when I accidentally tickled under her arm whilst changing her) and see her huge smiles as i’m changing her nappy. I don’t even mind that Arif and I’s conversations evolve around poo a good 70% of the time. Now my outlook on life has completely changed. Whilst I was once disinterested in money and wanted to make art for the purpose of enjoying making art, happy to work part time in a restaurant. Now I want a career, and a good salary. Because I really want to be able to support my family.
Perhaps even a year ago, as I was blissfully unaware of the life inside me drinking Jaegermeister out of the bottle at a German art exhibition, I would have recoiled at the idea of settling down. But now i’m sat in Newcastle, baby asleep on my lap, watching the river out of the window on a couch that I own and I couldn’t be happier with my life (actually I could if I had more money). I picture our family expanding (really slowly), seeing the world, drinking all the fine wine and eating all the fine food (Belle can’t have the wine for a wee while). Meanwhile, Laura Mulvey and her gender theory books can go and gather some dust for all I care.
Nesting 