It’s a relationship that starts out so completely one-sided, never have I given so much of myself and desired so little in return. It’s been an incredible roller coaster of a year, with hormonal crescendos and emotional whirlwinds. But now as I lie with my baby nestled into my chest, I can honestly say, she is my most amazing creation yet. I still stare at her in disbelief. And I wish that everyone will have a chance to feel the incomparable deep love that I feel for her. But it doesn’t stop there, because what comes with such love is overwhelming fear that I would ever have to live a day without her. In just a matter of weeks she has formed a part of me so huge that nothing could ever replace. So there’s a permanent sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I doubt will ever go away.
The first weeks with belle were undoubtedly some of the toughest of my life. I felt like i had been hit by a huge double-decker bus. No one really gives you information on what happens after the birth. Every show is built up to that glorious moment-omitting the somewhat gruesome aftermath of post-natal recovery. I was completely drawn into the beautiful advertisements of breastfeeding, aware that breast is of course best -however I must say that the reality of it, is somewhat different to the images of glowing mothers with their happy babes suckling at their chest that the NHS throw at you. The initial reality is a screaming purple-faced baby who wont latch on, horrifically swollen breasts and dry bleeding nipples. Not to mention how much it absolutely drains your body of every last bit of energy remaining after the birth. I lasted the best part of 4 weeks at it. And at the time I felt so awfully guilty to fill my child with dreaded formula- thanks to the pressure on women to breastfeed. It was only after I realised how little that meant in the whole scheme of parenting. Belle is growing, she’s happy and contented…and now I’m also happy and so much more relaxed.
I’ve learnt so much in these last 10 weeks of being a mother, and the most important lesson of all, is to take that huge rulebook of how to be a good parent given by most midwives, health visitors and family and just throw it out the window. Or burn it. Because it is absolutely useless. I imagine each baby is so different, each one so demanding-and you will do anything imaginable just to get a few more hours sleep.
As for my art, In that book I mentioned in my first post, It asks different artists if they need a space away to work. Well my answer is most definitely yes. My daughter is my biggest inspiration but also my biggest distraction. She’s the best reason to make work but I can’t make anything when she is there. I can’t even visit galleries with her-believe me I have tried. I need a space to breathe sometimes. It’s amazing how much good a couple of hours away from motherly duties can do. I sometimes find myself sauntering out of the house, baby-free, thinking-wow so this is what independence feels like….Until i go to reach for my purse and out drops a nappy. Just a slight reminder that I will never quite be free, I’m a mother.
Nesting 