14.

The Heavy but yet still Reflective Practitioner

It’s very difficult at this point to concentrate on anything other than birth. My mind attempts to stay focused on the task at hand, to complete start this assignment, whilst my fingers, driven by my unruly unconscious, continue to spam my internet pages with birth related enquires. In my head the 5th has always been the end date. It’s the day I was told I was due when I was still living in Germany, and its the day my own mother would have turned 50. I can’t deny the disappointment i’ll feel if the 5th passes by without so much as a twinge. Firstly because i’ll still be uncomfortably huge and heavy. And secondly, because of the small part of me that still hopes for a kind of spiritual miracle; that my mother still has a kind of power on my life, her presence still felt. It’s very difficult to maintain perspective in these long last days, once you go past your due date you can’t control the floods of frustration and impatience in waiting and the fear of the unknown still lurking in the background, all to be shattered by a slight gush of water.

In the meantime, however, it is important to regain some composure, enough to tackle my work. I remind myself that I chose this path, and as this blog is entitled art as much as mother, It has to represent just that.

Whilst racking my brain for research methods I employ within my practice, It occurred to me that my notebook (I can’t call it a sketchbook because to me that implies it should be pretty, mine is scruffy and illegible to outsiders), containing all my ideas, plans, analysis and reflection, was my research in a nutshell. The creative process is what is important to reveal for this research project. To do this I’m going to try to work directly into this blog so it doesn’t become a showcase of my notebooks best works, and instead actually reflects my practice as an artist. It’s a task which is far easier said than done though. For one, it really goes against the grain (my grain at least) to make my work transparent. And as much of my work is deep rooted in years of reading, theory, history and discourse, my concerns where about how I could include enough to make this a true reflection. It was only after a meeting with one of my supervisors I began to see how. She assured me that I don’t need to strip away and make visible every last concept, although yes I need evidence. She suggested It’s a lot more interesting to read about my ideas, regardless if they were ever actually made than it is to read about an artists fears of failing…because that much is obvious with such an ephemeral career.

So currently, as i’m trying to find a gap in research to do with my interest in art, motherhood and the body, find my critical stance, I will be writing about both on a parallel, trying to understand the crossovers, influences and perhaps implications each impose on the other.

I suppose I best start with the images I posted earlier. It had been a while since I had taken self portraits of my naked body, a while even since I had looked into a full length mirror. I wanted to understand how differently society sees you when you are pregnant. To start with myself, I see my body as stretched and distorted, almost unrecognisable from the original (shown below). In front of the camera, I felt awkward and embarrassed, even knowing I had full control over the images I produced.

I couldn’t help but be reminded of Francis bacons grotesque fleshy models as I stared at the raw, unedited material which drove me to photoshop, in an attempt to make them beautiful. I realised then that I will never be another Jo Spence (whose self portraits documented her fight with breast cancer) who allows themselves to be seen so vulnerable and perhaps even viscerally. Not if I stay in control of the camera anyway. With the images I seek to disrupt or complicate the image of the maternal but to do this, I need to firstly understand it. The problem with the images I produced is that, although some may be bordering on pornographic and so perhaps quite problematic, they are very objective. I’m too close to the subject, too careful of the aesthetics and too afraid of the public gaze. A recent critique opened my eyes on the matter at hand…Take the photographs, let loose with their form and just keep them, each work made doesn’t necessarily need to be made public. And secondly, let go of the camera, because if i push on with this need to control, I will eventually hit a brick wall. This advice struck home immediately as its what i’d already feared.

So as I coast through these last (hopefully) few days of pregnancy at snails pace, I’m handing the camera to my partner. I’m not sure what will come of this action, or if any of the material will be useable. But to me it makes sense to capture the moments of transitioning into motherhood; the labour, birth and first days with my co-dependant baby. Which I later hope to reflect on, inspiring new works.