12.

Raspberry leaf control

I do think its true that as a society we are conditioned to believe we have control. Control over the decisions we make; the food we eat, clothes we wear, jobs we choose, family and friends, In fact the list is endless. Beyoncé, amongst others within pop culture, make us feel like we, as women, are strong, independent warriors. And I’m sure most of us would admit, we like it. Love it in fact. Because control is our power. It’s been the focus of my artistic career for the last 2 years, challenging claims of a male dominated visual culture; in the sense that it is all made for them. In my work I used my body to confront this, confident in my sexuality and sense of control and its ability to complicate and reverse these roles.

So these 9 months have been somewhat of a challenge to this. Physically, now that much is obvious. Yes pregnancy is a beautiful thing, I tell myself over and over. However inwardly, I have never felt so insecure and dare I say, even disgusted with my body. I’m speaking from a very aesthetic, superficial point of view after watching my body grow and distort until its almost unrecognisable. I used creams and oils to prevent stretchmark’s, tanning lotions to mask the purple-ish paleness of stretched skin. All attempts are feeble really, there are not ointments to control emotions, your body takes over and it knows what its doing. I’m overjoyed that it’s been able to grow my child without any problems. But It is a very strange feeling to become secondary to yourself. So what is control really? Currently I have little; my hormones have teamed up with my little daughter and they rule the roost.

Here at the end of term, we are supposed to write a birth plan, as if after 9 months of complete surrender, we can turn round and say, now, you listen to me baby, this is how it’s going to work. I’m thinking a beautiful calming water birth, around 3 hours in duration, that wasn’t nearly as horrendous as I thought. No doctors, forceps or any medical intervention of any kind. Oh, and my dignity still in tact. However, as hopeless as it may seem, I do dream of this situation where I can feel in control of my child’s entrance to the world. That’s why, despite little belief in its effects, I’m sat here drinking raspberry leaf tea and eating pineapple. Today may well be the day.