5.

Two Mirrors

I feel her more strongly now. I was taken by surprise the other night as I rested my hand on my stomach only to feel her little jabs under my skin. It’s an incredible and very unique feeling, one that began as if someone was blowing bubbles into my stomach like a milkshake and has now developed into a kind of shifting feeling, if you can imagine a pair of hands inside, moving and playing with your stomach like dough. Then comes the surprisingly strong pangs as I’m settling down to rest my weary head. Sadly for my partner, she immediately stops whenever he puts his hands on my stomach.

I bought a new book on pregnancy and motherhood, entitled Bumpology. It basically deals with the hundreds of questions and myths that rattle through any pregnant women’s brain daily. I bought it really because as each new difficulty arises, physically and mentally, where do I (and many like me) turn? Of course, good old Google…My latest query was to see if it was normal to get severe cramp in your bum whilst pregnant, a sensation I had never experienced prior. But unfortunately Google is a huge hypochondriac and so I had to find another vice. Despite the name though, the book is actually quite scientific and gives some very detailed answers to uncertain subjects. It’s also nice to know that you’re not alone with your insane ponderings and deliberations.

What the book cannot help me with however, is another part of my life which has been equally affected by my child, my artistic practice. Perhaps some of you are already familiar with my work that induces a strong understanding of the political status of the female body and the role of the artist’s ability to control, engage and impose narrative and perceptions on the viewer. It’s about enabling people to stop and question the female body as an image. An image many of us see on a daily basis thanks to the media. Originally I talked and wrote about differences dwindling between men and women as more women and artists take control of their work, especially within moving image. And so becomes the possibility to shift some of this objectivity, to alter power structures if you like. But as the body that stares at me through the mirror everyday continues to change, I’m beginning to revise this. I’m trying to work out what is different now as I am growing new life inside me. How this changes the way I appear on screen. And even my capabilities. Because this is in fact the biggest difference between men and women, the thing that will always separate us. And so in my previous work, sexuality was my power, and I used it to my advantage creating sensual video works where my words collided with the sexual image on screen. But now the mirrors have changed, and so have my viewers perceptions. I realise that my work was ephemeral, and so now it must also travel with me on this transition into motherhood and who knows where this might lead.